I need a 'Kick'!!!!

Ahhh...i simply could not justify my feelings right now! I really need the ‘kick’ like the one in the INCEPTION to kick me out from this stupid day-dream. Seriously i have no words to describe whatever my feelings is right now. Sometimes i wish that i could just delete this feelings from growing. But who am i to challenge the great ‘being’ up there? I mean,he is the one who blew this so-called love to me,right? Oh God..Dear..Dear God, it’s only been several months when my heart was crushed like being trampled by an elephant and now you are testing me with a new ‘person’?

Okay,since the day that he told me that “we’re better just be friends. Good friends” [To *&^% when you mentioned friends!] I was like “thats it! I will not accept those who are from this school and Unibersity!”. Now, i’ll loathe the very place which i place very dear to my heart and i’ll even loathe to everything which associates with him! I know im being illogical,absurd,emotional [call me whatever you like] but,come on...i should be in that state. Fine. I wont tolerate with who ever graduate fron that U. Its like what the peribahasa stated “Kerana nila setitik,rosak susu sebelanga”? Yeap..My God, i should not be ditching around like this. For the sake of this blog,i’ll ditch but to tell you the truth, Alhamdulillah i’m in a better state right now. Following all the advices from friends near and far. I belive what ever happend there will be reasons behind it. I am all contempt and shall move on to another phase of my life.

Okay,speaking about this particular university, someone whom i tought had already moved on,ym-ed me out of the blue. As usual he’ll be asking about my condition,studies and my heart. My Heart? My heart is not considering right now. He asked mw wether i have some one new? Honestly i replied that i dont know. [was that a lie? I dont know. Was the adrenaline rushing considered i have some one new?]. He told me the very exact answer he told me years back. I kept quite. Including this, i dont how many times i’ve turned him down. Two years ago, it was obvious that i’m waiting for that somone which eventually crushed my heart. Tonight, i turned him down again. Reason? God, syaida! Be reasonable!!

So apa yang tak kene sangat kat dia sampai dah berkali-kali die mintak tapi ko tetap tak nak beri juga? Kira okaylah,cukup sifat. Ada dua mata,satu hidung kan? Ada good education background,graduate from a pretigious background, so ape lagi yang tak cukup? Zeid cakap aku patut bagi die chance. Chance? Peluang? Hailooo..ini yang susah sikit klw aku nak merealisasikan! So macam mana aku explain biar terang sikit? I think he always came at the wrong time and at the wrong place! Frankly speaking, i like someone now. [But i cant really say it is love.Myabe its just an infatuation.]There is a person who is filling my mind right now. That...i dont deny. Tapi zeid cakap “He is not bad,what? Give him a chance lah..” Macam mana aku nak kasi chance klw aku tak nak buat istikharah pon? Tak terlintas pon nak buat istikharah? And i never invoked his name at my prayers? Macam mana kalau hati aku tak nak jugak pegi dekat petaling jaya but instead it wants to go somewhere else? And aku tak pernah mintak pada ALLAH supaya dekatkan atau permudahkan segalanya antara aku dgn dia? Orang kata tak kenal maka tak cinta. Tapi aku dah kenal die nak dekat 2 tahun. Tak cinta-cinta pun. So, aku ke yang bersalah? Why came back and put me in this uncomfort zone? Why?

So..patut ke aku lari jauh ke Uganda and forget about everything??

T___T

Sorry for the looooong dissapperance!

Patut ke aku lancar kempen merajuk dekat mereka-mereka yang si hantu tu rapat? Seriously right now im feeling rather pathetic than usual. Pathetic yang teramat sangat. I simply could not elaborate what are my feelings right now. Is it genuine or not. Well for a start, my feelings terhadap si hantu sekor tu makin hari makin berkurangan. I guess its a good sign lah kan? Alhamdulillah sebab dah berkurangan and tak stagnant macam dulu. Tapi aku tak deny yang kadang-kadang tu ade lah jugak ingatan-ingatan yang aku cube nak delete dari kotak memori aku ni muncul. Muncul gitu-gitu ajer. I guess its just in the ‘kenang-kenang’ mode. Kalau lah otak aku ni macam programme laptop, dah lama aku delete semua ingatan aku kat die and aku letak anti-hantu punye firewall. Bukan setakat die yang tak bole tembus, tapi dengan ingatan-ingatan tentang die sekali tak bole tembus! Puas hati!

All my life, this have been the greatest lesson ever. And as a history student,i dont wish this particular history would repeat itself...well this is all im going to bable about the hantu. Shall we jump to next phase of my life since 5 months ago? Okay. So, ape yang telah terjadi? Macam-macam. I have a question which i guess most of us could not answer. The question is “Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection is too hard to handle?” My answer would be yes.

I simply could not justify my feelings right now. I dont even know what ever thing is growing inside me. Is it a school girl crush? Is it Love? Or simply a rebound? But i am certain that it is not a rebound. My feelings towards him just grew without any warning. I would appreciate if there is a warning sign around. My bestfriend thinks that im all in the lovey dovey mode and im falling for him. Which i dont deny. Yes. He is bloody captivating eventhough he can be bloody sacarstic at times. But i do not have a choice instead of confessing [that would be very bold isn’t? Im not that bold enough to confront him.] i had to deny my feelings. Everyday when i woke from sleep, i had to remind myself to deny whatever feelings that lays in my heart. Eventough it can be hurtful to deny my own feelings, i guess its a good practise from not getting hurt again. Past experiences taught me not to be easy with guys. They can be charming. They can be sweet. They can even be pain in the ass sometimes. =]

I prayed for him in my prayers which im very,very,very ashamed towards ALLAH. I pray for a guy instead of praying to get ‘rahmah’ from him. Sheesh...but i could not help it! Hahahaha..this is very weird! So urmm..i guess im being very pathetic right now. Simply pathetic!!!..

So..i guess i’ll continue later..Cherrios mate! (^_~)

Can you deal with rejection?

Okay....Hari ni Cik Syaida masih lagi dalam keadaan bosan yang teramat sangat. Walaupun assignment bertingkat-tingkat macam nak kena buat thesis! Dan Midterm yang masih lagi berderet-deret tunggu giliran untuk diselesaikan. Otak ni dah tepu nak digest segala information kat dalam buku tu..Ngee ~ ~

So...as usual, jeng..jeng...apa kata kita tengok hasil quiz??

Hehehehe...quiz kali ni tajuk dia "Can you deal with rejection??"

Oh lalalala...aku suka tajuk quiz kali ni! Tersangatlah sesuai untuk aku. (^_~)

--------> [The Verdict]

You're afraid of rejection. ---> Yes. That's me!
You're afraid of rejection because of past experience.[Yes!!! Previous experiences give me a whole picture. Sakit tau hati bila kena reject!] It always leads to heart break or feels like you're not good enough[Aku selalu fikir yang aku ni tak bagus. Masalah low self-esteem!] for whatever reason. You would do whatever it takes to avoid rejection. You would lie to yourself so that you won't get hurt when rejection comes. [Lying...yeap. the best escape route...]

Whatever it is, It's just not me who fear rejection. I bet a lot of people out there who is in the same shoe as mine. The tought of it does not bother me much though. I'm not such a freak afterall. (^_~)

Well, in order to avoid rejection avoid of even thinking relationship when you are still studying! I asked a friend on how to overcome from developing a crush into infatuation?

The answer is simple. Do not think about him/her. Fill your minds with something else. As for me, i shall keep my mind from thinking about the person and continue on doing my stuff.

Such as?

Ahhhhh....worrying about my midterms and presentations and assignments!!!!!

(^_~)

What kind of crusher are you :D

Okay...memandangkan Cik Mishmish sekarang ni tengah dalam keadaan malas tahap malasnya seperti seekor kura-kura gergasi di kepulauan Galapagos apakata kiter tengok hasil quiz???

(^_~)

------> Results!

Super Secret Admirer ----> [super secret lah sangat!!]
Whether it's 'cause you're shy,[? Aku akan malu bile die ade dekat situ ajer. Tapi bile die takder dekat situ aku okay je kot..macam biase.] seriously fear rejection,[sangatlah benar! Kalau dia reject, sure heboh aku taknak terserempak dengan die lagi!!] or just don't really know the person, [Oh la la..touche! aku memang tak kenal mamat nih! Baru lagi..] you aren't too out there when it comes to crushing. Sure, you know how that person laughs and have probably noticed the kind of music they listen to, [Aku tak tau die dngr lagu aper.Tapi aku tau dressing die superb!] but that's on a slightly stalker-ish level you might want to avoid... [Memanglah aku nak avoid. Nanti die pikir aku ni baru lepas langgar tiang eletrik!]Try to talk to them some, not a full out hour long conversation, but maybe a "Hey!" And a "Nice shirt, where'd you get that? Oh, well it looks good..." Be braver and know you can do it!!! :D [Huh?! aku tau lah dressing die superb tapi untuk berbual dengan dia dan cakap 'hai superb la dressing awak. and again AWAK???']

--------> Conclusion?

(0_o)...aku hopelessly hopeless lah bile dalam bab-bab chenta nih!

Dah lama aku tak tunggang terbalik macam nih...apa aura mamat ni ada sampai aku bole jadi macam gini??

Hailoh ~ ~ Hailoh ~ ~ (T_T)

Which Love Quote Fits Me Best ?

I think you just need to stop thinking of why you feel the way you do about certain people and why others feel a certain way about you.--->[ Hahaha..tersangat lah benar. Sumtymes i feel aku ni paranoid tentang benda yang tak perlu!] It's just one of life's mysteries that unfortuately no one will solve in this lifetime. Don't follow your mind, follow your heart. ---> [Ikot hati binasa! We need logic man!]Sometimes your mind will trick you into thinking something is wrong, [Unless u learn Logic! Thnx Dr. Farid ^_~] but if your mind knows the definition of love, your heart should be able to follow it correctly (unless your heart has somehow been corrupt,[kureng asam btol?! Corrupt?!] but that would make a completely different story). Figuring out why you love will only confuse your heart, and then you will be unable to love.(Unable to love? oh no nehi! Love will find those who believe.) When it comes to love, let your mind help with making a good decision, not let it completely take over.

------> konklusi?

"Aku tak percaya cinta~ ~"

I found a quote on my study desk bearing " What is love? Love will resides in the heart of those who believed in it." ----> dah tu aku yang masih lagi confuse? Camner?

But still i don't understand why somtimes people 'jump' into a relationship if they are unsure where is their relationships heading to? (0_o)..

I don't banned relationships its just im confused (^_~)

For Cryin' Out Loud (T_T)

Hailoh...hailoh...i have a great feeling in me that i’ll be a very,very,very bad mother. Seorang syaida ni sangat lah tidak pandai dalam hal-hal yang berkaitan budak –budak kecik. Sungguh tak tipu yang aku ni sangat lah alergi dengan budak kecik.

Hailaaa..dah lah aku ni fail to the bottom when it comes to love and im a total loser when it comes in handling kids!

Last Tuesday, in the quest of finding strenght to continue going to my Usul-al-din class, i decided to take a sip or two of Neslo ice at Hs cafe. Well..i bumped into other singaporeans who’s waiting for their ordered food. Aku pun duduk-duduk lah dengan dorang ni sekejap. Actually tak duduk pon. Aku berdiri to be exact.
Excited ni jumpe kawan2 singapore. So aku dengan zeid berbual lah. Berbual punya berbual until aku mintak permission untuk pergi beli air. And than...[hari ini dalam sejarah] aku rasa macm aku ada langgar benda la. Aku toleh...aiseh aku terlanggar budak dalam umur 4 tahun gitu. Berdebuk! Macam nangka busuk daa dia jatuh terduduk kat atas lantai cafe HS tu! Aku tergamam [shocked] tak tau dah nak buat apa. Tapi entah lah...lekas-lekas aku angkat dia. Nanti tak tolong angkat macam biadap lah pulak. Masa aku angkat budak ni...muka dia dah lain habis! Aku dalam hati berdoa tak putus-putus [Ya Allah..janganlah budak ni nangis ke menjerit ke...mati aku!].

At first tu...dia tak nangis. Okay jer sebab budak lelaki kan..nanti tak macho plak kalau nangis dekat public. Ceh...jangkaan aku meleset! Bila dia nampak mak dia approach dia, secrara automatiknya dia menjerit! For crying out loud could he ever kept his tone down??!! He was screaming on top of his lung as if like he was beaten or somtehing like that! (0_o)And i can feel that every pairs of eyes at HS cafe that time was eyeing on me! [the girl in jubah putih who made a boy cry!]

Waaa...aku dah tak tahan malu. Muka aku waktu toksah cakap la..dah macam kene simbah dengan minyak cap kapak! Panas habis sebab malu orang ramai tengok! Aku terus lupe yang aku nak minum air. Aku lupakan niat aku yang sememangnya dari tadi tersangat lah haus! Aku dengan zeid pon bukak langkah seribu. Dah tak toleh-toleh belakang da...

Than aku dapat info...budak ni kalau jatuh kita HARUS buat bodoh atau buat derk ajer. Nampak sangat kejam tapi thats the fact. Itu yang membuatkan dorang tak akan nangis. Tapi kalau kita datang...pujuk...tanya dlm suara yang memujuk mcm “alala..anak ibu jatuh ye? Sakit ye? Kat mana?” memang seratus peratus budak tu akan menjerit mcm anjing tersepit! Nak attention lah sangat. Padahal sakitnyer tak seberapa. *sheesh*

Hailo.......hailo...syaida...pada sesiapa yang membaca..mesti da buat kesimpulan yang aku tak suke budak2..bukan tak suka cume mungkin tak tau nak handle kot? (T_T)

What is your favourite series of the 90’s?

In 1993, i was 5 years old back than. The secondary friend i had after my pimary friends [kids on my block] was the television! In my spare time i would spent most of my times infront of the television. And talking about my favourite series of the 90’s was the MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!!!! It was a phenomenon back than. Every body wanted to be the power rangers. Either the Black ranger or the Blue ranger or the Red ranger for the boys and Pink ranger or the Yellow ranger for the girls.

As for me...i would always wanted to be the pink ranger! [That really explains why i possesed loads of pink stuff!] When i came to think about it, i would smile and think how young and gullible i was! Hahaha such reminsce of my chilhood that can never be retrived back in my present adulthood [or still in my adolosence?? (T_T) ]. But...occasionally i will surf the net and try to retrived my childhood by watching the power rangers episodes on youtube!

How i stumble upon this series? As far as i can remember...during my "Tadika" years, My abah akan bawak i pergi this one S.C [shooping centre]. Nama S.C tu Beauty World located dekat Bukit Timah, Singapore. During the 90's that place was a popular spot among the s'poreans tapi sekarang tempat tu is no more a hot spot like before. [Okay back to my story]..dekat level 2 S.C tu ader kedai yang jual T.V and other electronics devices. The 'tokeh' of the kedai letak this one huge television dekat depan kedai dia and dia bukak cerita power rangers. Me..only 5 at that time was so captivated will sit infront of the T.V sampai petang! And my abah will simply left me there. [im not alone okay? There are other kids like me over there.] And i will stay sampai abah cakap "jom kita balik". I think kan sekarang kalau nak elak anak2 hilang dekat S.C, letak jer depan kedai T.V yang bukak cerita kartun ke apa ker..Gerenti tak hilang and tak payah pergi Information counter sebab nak buat buat announcement yang anak hilang! Tapi sekarang ada Ben 10...best sangat ker?

Why do i like this show so much? I can't remember much why do i like this show so much. I think is the message that the show conveyed. Good always triumph over evil...

And last but not least...i've always had a huge crush on the white ranger a.k.a Thomas 'Tommy' Oliver...*Blushing* Hehehe..because he look so pure in his white clothes and constantly fighting the bad guys...plus he is great in martial arts too! Speaking of how to save the damsel in distress

Guess i don't have a deprive childhood afterall.

Mine is extra colourful thanks to the power rangers

Pink Ranger

White ranger

Ps: sheesh... i cant upload the pink and white ranger's picture! [im using ITDF lab..(0_o)]